Apologies

I don't know about a lot of people who actually follow this blog, except for my own self, so apologies to myself than anyone else for being away for such a long time..

So what happened in the days gone by, some awards at the workplace precisely "Super Rookie" and a "Second prize in a demo competition"..Awards in such economic times make you feel a bit better, infusing a thought that probably you wont be in the first string of the firing line..

Munnu (Vishal's younger brother) got married, went to Allahabad for a few days, stayed back in Delhi for a couple, then to Mumbai and back to pavilion. During my stay in Allahabad, had a rift with Vishal.I just realized all what matters in life probably is money and self interests, else how would you explain your business partner assuming more importance than your so called "best friend". I just ran away, no complains..no explanations..Maa(Vishal's mom) was furious, but somehow i could hide that truth about the rift. All i have in this world would probably be my mum, boss, prerna and vishal's family, so the brawl kinda upset me..never mind..as forthcoming as it might be..i have robbed myself of emotions..probably except for boss...

This "wisdom tooth" is giving me a torrid time..it pains like hell yaar..The last two days have been a nightmare..have been taking a lot of pain killers but nothing seems to help..On the top the mouth looks like filled with rasgullas because of the swelling..i guess will have to see a Dentist..It's Friday today, so i guess i can manage an appointment in the evening...lets see..."Wisdom tooth" too silly a name for a useless, painful piece of nothing..on second thoughts "Wisdom always entails a story of pain" nahin..

Was watching Sweet November the other day..What a beautiful song by Enya(Only time can tell)...everytime i listen to it kinda get lost..must listen kinds

Writing after a long lay off...Wasn't really busy or something but just didn't have the time to hit the keyboard for personal scribbling..

A lot happened in the period elapsed. I became an FTE(Full Time Employee) at Microsoft, had a visit to Delhi that was full of ironies, spent some desperate days thinking about BOSS,the Mumbai trip, luckily got my 'writing fits' one of the nights and penned down some Ghazals(I wonder what the hell has happened to me, I have started thanking the nights I write, Ironic again.)

I have been trying to find a word for the Delhi trip ever since I was a part of it till now..without any success though...suddenly after some 23 months I was traversing the same roads sitting in a Camry which I used to in a crowded bus hanging on during my internship...after splitting my imaginative mind by drawing a demarcation of true happiness I found I was much happier and content being a part of the crowded bus...arrived at the Oberoi's amidst some model like lady accompanying me to my room...which seemed like anything but a hotel room...hoping to get rid of the jitters thought of hitting the bar...but to my dismay I found myself sharing the bar table with former Miss. India and people going by who I often see on TV...after two pegs I decided that the option wasn't paying much dividend in regards to non remembrance of the past..The pegs with Vishal in my small room in Ghaziabad with Amit, Puneet, Mukul and others so intently listening(as if we were next in the league of Osho's and Socrates) seemed more worthwhile...Although I had an option of staying in Delhi over the weekend but didn't..actually i find it very touchy biding Good Bye to the city when I stay back and relive some patches of the past.

BOSS seem to be India but not talking to me ...reasons best known to her..Sometimes I ask myself WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE?? Never ever get an answer for it ..All my innerself says is "A million things but not this..Most importantly to make sure BOSS is happy"

See it happened again...whenever I think of her..the continuation of thoughts trips..I go blank..I know I won't be able to write even a word now..so stopping the stroke of keys...

I just wanted to touch some one's feet today...but i just don't have any... After conveying it to boss...i called five people to break the news and only two of them picked up..maa and prerna ...Dennis, Munna Bhaiya and Vishal didn't respond...these are the moments that you realize whatever you may achieve..it has no meaning till you have a family...I hope boss gives me a call tonight..pata nahin woh bhi kisi baat pe naraaz hain..

Whst's the news?? Recieved an offer letter from Microsoft for a full time employment..

There has to be some problem with me...just couldn't have a single person on this earth love me...no no not in the way i would have liked them..but any which way possible on this earth..

The source of my life was always questionable..do i belong to the man who in writing is my father or otherwise...the gal who introduced love for the opposite sex, left me wanting when i probably needed her the most..no friends to boast about except for the virtual web that i have been weaving since childhood..why do i always have to crib?? am i loser ?? may be i am..hell you are.......

She said i was a seasoned flirt...yaar kuchh to kami hogi mere pyar main..na apne shabdon se, na karmon se, na bhavnaon se..unko kabhi nahin ehsas dila paaya ki unke mere liye kya maayne hain..boss.. jaane dijiye..kuchh kahunga to aap kahoge ki main flirt kar raha hoon...

mujhe nahin pata paap hai ya punya...par jab bhi unke baare main sochta hoon to darr lagta hai kahin woh maili na ho jaayen...kabhi unko chhone ka khayal aata hai to is baat se mann bhar aata hai ki mujhe Moksha mil jaayega...kabhi unko paane ka khayal aata hi nahin...kyun ki ishwar ko paana sambhav nahin..

khud k likhe shabdon ko padhta hoon to khud pe shaq hota hai..ya to I am suffering from a physiological disorder ya main nihayat hi bewakoof ya banawati insaan hoon...ya phir my good old theory..."I am a bloody misfit..."

Bus aapko aapki marzi ki, khush zindagi jeete hue dekhne ka khuaab hai...agar ye bhi irrational hai...to i can't do anything about it..apna verdict clear hai...devdas na hote hue bhi..."I drink until death....(nahin abhi shudhh hoon)"

Koi shikayat bhi nahin hai..bus dua hai aapko rajkumari ki tarah jeete hue dekhne ki..

They say dream big...maine shayad kuchh zaada hi bada sapna dekh liya...

Please hate me but love urself as i would have loved to...

What Vaibhav Means

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you. You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night. Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

...................

I am at quiet a juncture in my life..an opportunity to be a part of the so called big "M" full time...the cash inflow will increase, so would the professional stature...but would anything change that really matters to me. I don't think so.

I have never wanted to be looked in awe, earn millions, categorized as a so called "intellectual..." My dreams have ever been so simple... living a life that touches the life of people I love...taking care of them. Every moment I just dream of whispering to her, I will do whatever you say, live life in a way you see fit, with the person you choose...but let me just take care of you..let me ensure that each day of yours is filled with joy. I feel so helpless when I realize that all I can do for her is blabber how much i care and nothing else. How do i tell her that to me the purpose of my life seems to be taking care of her, retiring to her authority, and feeling her overwhelming presence.

Boss you matter the world to me.

It was the 8th time

Remember we were talking about my mood swings sometime back. It hit me again, big time. Last friday i gulped the entire alcohol available in the apartment. It started off with whisky, then bacardi and then a bottle of cheap white wine. I don't remember what exactly happened after that, I woke up at 6 to realize i was sleeping in the doorway on naked floor. Quiet embarrassed but the height came when i realized that i had thrown my phone and it had broken down to pieces(the 8th time i had done it in my life), i wasn't talking to anyone the last night then why in the hell did i throw it????? No ideas.

I just know i have not been feeling good from the last few days...I m feeling lonely, living a life of non purpose. Just need someone to talk to me...talk to me good.