There is something about Delhi, may be the chill in the air, the lively bunch of youngsters,the ever advising elders, the never sleeping roads or may be my 7 yrs association with it, the moment I got out of the plane I could sense a feeling of belongingness. It was good to see Amit come receive me at such hour of the night(it was 1am). We shared a quick smoke and an exchange of events that went by, all in the fast forward mode.I couldn't meet Vishal that night neither for the following two days because of his exams, poor fellow 16 papers on the trot. Actually other than the arrival on the airport meeting Amit and heading off to Ghaziabad in the cab nothing more worth mentioning. Maybe the day I spent with Vishal, or those drinks with Dennis(one of the persons on earth I search my father in, I know it's futile, barren but then the forces of my heart have always overpowered those of the mind).
Those few hours when I was with Maa, Chhotu(knowingly not punctuating a comma here after all togetherness should reflect in words, deeds and beyond) his would be bride and her mom was a sort of mixed bag. I was feeling so grown up doing all the things, mixed bag because I was happy for them but at the same time scared of the responsibilities I was foreseeing.
But all the time this void remained, I always felt something was missing. You know what on Christmas i even got to talk to her but in the process of explaining things as always i over explained things. When she enquired about Divya I even used the 'F' word , she was upset about it but how could I tell her that the 'ji' associated with Divya lost it on itself and I could just be mere spectator. How could I tell her that she left me saying "Papa nahin maanenge, aur main gharwaalon ko dukh nahin dena chahti" and now she is seeing someone else. I would not have been hurt had she married someone but it comes along that to leave me deserted on account of the family was a mere pretext. When she said "Sometimes I wonder if I understand you at all.." I wanted to say "Sometimes I wonder if you ever tried to understand me at all.." but she is my star, my hero(and the height is she would never believe this, Boss you won't right).
Like my usual self I went on to explain what she meant to me and like her usual self she got irritated. But now I have accepted that it's a lost cause. She says "You are amazing with words" but however amazing I may be, there's no way on this earth I can explain what she has done for me.
Can I explain something like tears oozing out my eyes when I see Sachin score a century and look up to heaven in slow motion? Can I explain drawing inspiration seeing his Sharjah'96 innings to accomplish a formidable task? Can I explain being upset with him when he disappoints me, to the extent that I mutter to myself? I can't, certainly not. No, don't get me wrong I have explanations for myself but to her and the rest they seem to be irrational. They would say I am a fan of his, I would put it, I love him , he is my hero, I feel as if I have known him from ages. He plays all roles in my life so beautifully, my friend, my mentor, my dad. Quiet analogous to what I say about her meaning to my life.
I just wanna let her know that I am not waiting for "someone better" I just want it to happen in a grand way. The idea of my grand way as I told her is a fairytale, I want my Cinderella , I have a girl and she knows about it Why can't she be the angel with the magic stick? Why do i have to put it all in words? The other day Dennis said "I am proud of you.." why can't these words come from her if she thinks I am really special. My dream of meeting Sachin one day is as big as meeting her again and sharing a walk. Why can't she understand that..?? Why love loses it's meaning if the people concerned are a boy and a girl?? What is so different in looking up and saying "I love you so much.." to god and saying "I love you so much.. " to a girl who has lived with you in your dreams whole life long. What makes it so different...is it that she is "she" or is that she is married...
I wonder if it is unethical to love...
Boss...I am not ashamed of admitting it.. I love you and will forever....and I am not ashamed of it because I know it's free of any evil..
I'm so very ordinary
Nothing special on my own
I have never walked on water
I have never calmed a storm
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark
But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call
And you are my Jesus...This love is not so selfless may be..it's also bound by expectation..but just one.."an understanding of what you are to me and what I mean when I say I love You..."
