Writing after a long lay off...Wasn't really busy or something but just didn't have the time to hit the keyboard for personal scribbling..

A lot happened in the period elapsed. I became an FTE(Full Time Employee) at Microsoft, had a visit to Delhi that was full of ironies, spent some desperate days thinking about BOSS,the Mumbai trip, luckily got my 'writing fits' one of the nights and penned down some Ghazals(I wonder what the hell has happened to me, I have started thanking the nights I write, Ironic again.)

I have been trying to find a word for the Delhi trip ever since I was a part of it till now..without any success though...suddenly after some 23 months I was traversing the same roads sitting in a Camry which I used to in a crowded bus hanging on during my internship...after splitting my imaginative mind by drawing a demarcation of true happiness I found I was much happier and content being a part of the crowded bus...arrived at the Oberoi's amidst some model like lady accompanying me to my room...which seemed like anything but a hotel room...hoping to get rid of the jitters thought of hitting the bar...but to my dismay I found myself sharing the bar table with former Miss. India and people going by who I often see on TV...after two pegs I decided that the option wasn't paying much dividend in regards to non remembrance of the past..The pegs with Vishal in my small room in Ghaziabad with Amit, Puneet, Mukul and others so intently listening(as if we were next in the league of Osho's and Socrates) seemed more worthwhile...Although I had an option of staying in Delhi over the weekend but didn't..actually i find it very touchy biding Good Bye to the city when I stay back and relive some patches of the past.

BOSS seem to be India but not talking to me ...reasons best known to her..Sometimes I ask myself WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE?? Never ever get an answer for it ..All my innerself says is "A million things but not this..Most importantly to make sure BOSS is happy"

See it happened again...whenever I think of her..the continuation of thoughts trips..I go blank..I know I won't be able to write even a word now..so stopping the stroke of keys...

I just wanted to touch some one's feet today...but i just don't have any... After conveying it to boss...i called five people to break the news and only two of them picked up..maa and prerna ...Dennis, Munna Bhaiya and Vishal didn't respond...these are the moments that you realize whatever you may achieve..it has no meaning till you have a family...I hope boss gives me a call tonight..pata nahin woh bhi kisi baat pe naraaz hain..

Whst's the news?? Recieved an offer letter from Microsoft for a full time employment..

There has to be some problem with me...just couldn't have a single person on this earth love me...no no not in the way i would have liked them..but any which way possible on this earth..

The source of my life was always questionable..do i belong to the man who in writing is my father or otherwise...the gal who introduced love for the opposite sex, left me wanting when i probably needed her the most..no friends to boast about except for the virtual web that i have been weaving since childhood..why do i always have to crib?? am i loser ?? may be i am..hell you are.......

She said i was a seasoned flirt...yaar kuchh to kami hogi mere pyar main..na apne shabdon se, na karmon se, na bhavnaon se..unko kabhi nahin ehsas dila paaya ki unke mere liye kya maayne hain..boss.. jaane dijiye..kuchh kahunga to aap kahoge ki main flirt kar raha hoon...

mujhe nahin pata paap hai ya punya...par jab bhi unke baare main sochta hoon to darr lagta hai kahin woh maili na ho jaayen...kabhi unko chhone ka khayal aata hai to is baat se mann bhar aata hai ki mujhe Moksha mil jaayega...kabhi unko paane ka khayal aata hi nahin...kyun ki ishwar ko paana sambhav nahin..

khud k likhe shabdon ko padhta hoon to khud pe shaq hota hai..ya to I am suffering from a physiological disorder ya main nihayat hi bewakoof ya banawati insaan hoon...ya phir my good old theory..."I am a bloody misfit..."

Bus aapko aapki marzi ki, khush zindagi jeete hue dekhne ka khuaab hai...agar ye bhi irrational hai...to i can't do anything about it..apna verdict clear hai...devdas na hote hue bhi..."I drink until death....(nahin abhi shudhh hoon)"

Koi shikayat bhi nahin hai..bus dua hai aapko rajkumari ki tarah jeete hue dekhne ki..

They say dream big...maine shayad kuchh zaada hi bada sapna dekh liya...

Please hate me but love urself as i would have loved to...

What Vaibhav Means

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you. You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night. Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous. You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things. Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

...................

I am at quiet a juncture in my life..an opportunity to be a part of the so called big "M" full time...the cash inflow will increase, so would the professional stature...but would anything change that really matters to me. I don't think so.

I have never wanted to be looked in awe, earn millions, categorized as a so called "intellectual..." My dreams have ever been so simple... living a life that touches the life of people I love...taking care of them. Every moment I just dream of whispering to her, I will do whatever you say, live life in a way you see fit, with the person you choose...but let me just take care of you..let me ensure that each day of yours is filled with joy. I feel so helpless when I realize that all I can do for her is blabber how much i care and nothing else. How do i tell her that to me the purpose of my life seems to be taking care of her, retiring to her authority, and feeling her overwhelming presence.

Boss you matter the world to me.

It was the 8th time

Remember we were talking about my mood swings sometime back. It hit me again, big time. Last friday i gulped the entire alcohol available in the apartment. It started off with whisky, then bacardi and then a bottle of cheap white wine. I don't remember what exactly happened after that, I woke up at 6 to realize i was sleeping in the doorway on naked floor. Quiet embarrassed but the height came when i realized that i had thrown my phone and it had broken down to pieces(the 8th time i had done it in my life), i wasn't talking to anyone the last night then why in the hell did i throw it????? No ideas.

I just know i have not been feeling good from the last few days...I m feeling lonely, living a life of non purpose. Just need someone to talk to me...talk to me good.

A Dream Come True!!!

Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them

----John Updike


You know what...last night Saurabh sir in between his drinks just popped (and NO, I WASN'T DRINKING) "Dude...Why are you so silent today?? Something seems to be extremely wrong..??"
But i was so excited in the evening that I left office early...was actually anticipating something...her call precisely...
So did i suddenly go silent...I don't know but I wasn't upset for sure...may be just a bit low...

Just a song..

I liked the lyrics of the song thought of sharing..

I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You
Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
Life's a dream we are dreaming
Race the moon, catch the windRide the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
Heroes rise, heroes fallRise again, win it all
In your heart, can't you feel the glory?Through our joy, through our pain
We can move worlds again
Take my hand, dance with meI want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever doI will want nothing else to see me throughI
f I could spend my lifetime loving you
Though we know we will never come again
When there is love, life begins
Over and over againSave the night, save the day
Save your love, come what may
Love is worth everything we pay
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever doI want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that is all in life I ever do
I will want nothing else to see me through
If I can spend my life time loving you

Swings!!

When i got up this morning, there was something in the air that made me feel good..may be the work i did yesterday or the talk with her day before yesterday and suddenly this moment eveything seems to be crashing for no particular reason though but i just wanna retire to a lonely place. The weather is so enticing today..i am really fed up of these mood swings. I like my life no more and the height is i don't know the damn reason for it. Hearing "Tose Naina Laage..." in full volume... it reminds me of her so much..wanna loose myself...

Delhi and Boss!!

I was expecting so much out of it, the trip to Delhi but it turned out to be anything but pleasant. In retrospect I guess the problem lay within me "expectation".

There is something about Delhi, may be the chill in the air, the lively bunch of youngsters,the ever advising elders, the never sleeping roads or may be my 7 yrs association with it, the moment I got out of the plane I could sense a feeling of belongingness. It was good to see Amit come receive me at such hour of the night(it was 1am). We shared a quick smoke and an exchange of events that went by, all in the fast forward mode.I couldn't meet Vishal that night neither for the following two days because of his exams, poor fellow 16 papers on the trot. Actually other than the arrival on the airport meeting Amit and heading off to Ghaziabad in the cab nothing more worth mentioning. Maybe the day I spent with Vishal, or those drinks with Dennis(one of the persons on earth I search my father in, I know it's futile, barren but then the forces of my heart have always overpowered those of the mind).

Those few hours when I was with Maa, Chhotu(knowingly not punctuating a comma here after all togetherness should reflect in words, deeds and beyond) his would be bride and her mom was a sort of mixed bag. I was feeling so grown up doing all the things, mixed bag because I was happy for them but at the same time scared of the responsibilities I was foreseeing.

But all the time this void remained, I always felt something was missing. You know what on Christmas i even got to talk to her but in the process of explaining things as always i over explained things. When she enquired about Divya I even used the 'F' word , she was upset about it but how could I tell her that the 'ji' associated with Divya lost it on itself and I could just be mere spectator. How could I tell her that she left me saying "Papa nahin maanenge, aur main gharwaalon ko dukh nahin dena chahti" and now she is seeing someone else. I would not have been hurt had she married someone but it comes along that to leave me deserted on account of the family was a mere pretext. When she said "Sometimes I wonder if I understand you at all.." I wanted to say "Sometimes I wonder if you ever tried to understand me at all.." but she is my star, my hero(and the height is she would never believe this, Boss you won't right).

Like my usual self I went on to explain what she meant to me and like her usual self she got irritated. But now I have accepted that it's a lost cause. She says "You are amazing with words" but however amazing I may be, there's no way on this earth I can explain what she has done for me.

Can I explain something like tears oozing out my eyes when I see Sachin score a century and look up to heaven in slow motion? Can I explain drawing inspiration seeing his Sharjah'96 innings to accomplish a formidable task? Can I explain being upset with him when he disappoints me, to the extent that I mutter to myself? I can't, certainly not. No, don't get me wrong I have explanations for myself but to her and the rest they seem to be irrational. They would say I am a fan of his, I would put it, I love him , he is my hero, I feel as if I have known him from ages. He plays all roles in my life so beautifully, my friend, my mentor, my dad. Quiet analogous to what I say about her meaning to my life.

I just wanna let her know that I am not waiting for "someone better" I just want it to happen in a grand way. The idea of my grand way as I told her is a fairytale, I want my Cinderella , I have a girl and she knows about it Why can't she be the angel with the magic stick? Why do i have to put it all in words? The other day Dennis said "I am proud of you.." why can't these words come from her if she thinks I am really special. My dream of meeting Sachin one day is as big as meeting her again and sharing a walk. Why can't she understand that..?? Why love loses it's meaning if the people concerned are a boy and a girl?? What is so different in looking up and saying "I love you so much.." to god and saying "I love you so much.. " to a girl who has lived with you in your dreams whole life long. What makes it so different...is it that she is "she" or is that she is married...

I wonder if it is unethical to love...

Boss...I am not ashamed of admitting it.. I love you and will forever....and I am not ashamed of it because I know it's free of any evil..

I'm so very ordinary
Nothing special on my own
I have never walked on water
I have never calmed a storm
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call

And you are my Jesus...This love is not so selfless may be..it's also bound by expectation..but just one.."an understanding of what you are to me and what I mean when I say I love You..."